Confession of an egocentric maniac....

Today I am writing again after a very long time. More than I care to remember. As I said the last time, I write when I feel like writing, when I am happy, excited or enthusiastic about anything. But today it’s a little different. I am neither happy nor excited and definitely not enthusiastic, but I still chose to write, because there are another emotions and feelings which are much stronger. Stronger than Love, Happiness and even anger......For today I feel sad. But please don’t read this post if you want to sympathize or make fun. I just want to pen down how I feel, because it’s a very strange and disturbing feeling. But yet there is something I feel that is pushing me to express, I guess one should express not only love and anger but heart tearing sadness as well. Here I am pouring my heart out in this senseless post. I want to warn you that you will not be able to make out head and tail of this post, but I on the other hand can understand it, feel it and deal with it......eventually... well I hope. How does it feel to lose the most important people in your life one by one in a matter of a year? It doesn’t matter whose mistake it was. What matters is that those people are not there in your life any more. Maybe, because of yourself or somebody else to that matter. In both the cases, you end up losing someone special and important, and the pain is so much after that, it cannot be measured or expressed. Yes I screwed up. God knows big time. Lost friends, well wishers and family members and loved ones. And now I am losing the person I love the most. A violent end to something so beautiful and pure, so innocent and mesmerizing, I always thought it’s too good to be true. Guess my this feeling came in between, that I have casted an evil eye on this heavenly companionship. The worst part is that I can’t really do much about it. The helplessness makes it even worse and painful. I had the power to rectify everything, rather power not to let this feeling spoil and this situation to occur in first place, but my desperate attempt to protect it has only led to misery, to me and my loved ones. Is there any way to repent, which is not so painful and saddening? I guess not. What you reap is what you sow..... Never really understood the meaning of this line before today. What a painful way to gain realization. One sole action sends down ripples of consequences in the sea of life, wave after wave hitting against the heart soon to be turned into a rock, a lonely rock at the shore of loneliness and despair, guilt and burden. Burden of losing everything because of that one sole action, which could have been easily avoided, had I been not so drunk and blind by my own ego and insecurities. Yes it is my fault, that I am like this, I was always like this, but never really understood the ripples, the consequences before today. But is this really the end of Tushar as you know it, more importantly the end of me as I know myself? I don’t have the answer to this question right now, but today for the first time I look up at the sky and plead to more powerful source to help me and give me strength. To forgive, myself and to give strength to my loved ones to forgive me for all the pain I have caused and all the tears I have let so easily flow...... Will it be over? Ever? I have hope. Very small fire of hope still burning in my heart, fighting against the wind of pain and guilt. Will it survive the sorrow? Only my loved one can answer. And I will wait. Till eternity........ For I Love You!! And I apologize.